Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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