I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
