why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
