The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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