I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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