Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
