on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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