my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
