You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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