i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
