Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
