you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Bring me that man meat
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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