i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
