it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
