guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
