Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
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