Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
