if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
