just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
