No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
