she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
