He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
