if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
