the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You pole danced in your parka.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
