It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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