i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
