we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
