who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize