My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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