did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
