Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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