So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
