I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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