i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
