okay pat passed out under dana's car
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't deserve a penis
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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