you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
