I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
