man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize