were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
