I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
