i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
