After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
