hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
