EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
