Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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