is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
