she woke up with a sticky ear
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
