Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
50% drunk capacity currently
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
