College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
