he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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