just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
