I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize