Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
