you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
