It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
