I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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