She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
