so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My dad just said "fuck circus"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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