All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
